Avoid This Job
I don’t want to step on the toes of the (excellent) Avoid This Job blog, but I saw this ad in my college’s newspaper, The Royal Purple, and thought it seemed ripe for an Avoid This Job style takedown.
First of all, consider the ad’s target market. It’s in a college paper, so it is presumably directed toward students, who are apparently still idealistic and haven’t yet had (all) of their dreams crushed by the harsh realities of The Real World™. Well, this ad is out to remedy your dreams’ non-crushed status!
Hi-yo!
“Hello, college student,” this ad seems to ask, “perhaps you have a band? Some aspirations toward some kind of career in the creative arts? The life of the mind interests you? Can’t imagine holding down a ‘cube’ job, dealing with a Pointy Haired Boss, and having your life’s work be the procurement of .xls files? WELL FORGET ABOUT THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. In fact, you suck. So badly that you might as well give up those dreams forever and take an internship at an insurance company?” That’s what this ad is saying. Don’t even bother following your dreams, just take this (probably unpaid) internship at an insurance company.
I am also not sure that targeting restless creative types for your insurance company’s desk job will result in the most ideal candidates. “Hey, you know what we don’t have enough of around here,” some middle manager at InsuraCorp apparently thought one afternoon, “defeated, surly, untalented college students that would rather be someplace else. Johnson, get on that!”
If pop culture has taught me anything about corporations, it’s that there is always someone named Johnson nearby, willing to take on whatever ridiculous task The Boss barks at a moments notice.
Another problem is the implied disapproval of any musician who does not have a top 10 song. Have you seen the sort of songs that make it to the top 10? Here is the most recent (as of this writing) top 10 from Billboard:
- Tik Tok – Ke$ha
- Bad Romance – Lady Gaga
- Sexy Chick – David Guetta feat. Akon
- According To You – Orianthi
- Telephone – Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce
- Imma Be – The Black Eyed Peas
- Two Is Better Than One – Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift
- Do You Remember – Jay Sean feat. Sean Paul & Lil Jon
- BedRock – Young Money feat. Lloyd
- In My Head – Jason Derulo
Yikes. So yeah, you probably won’t have a top 10 song, unless your legal name begins with “feat,” you are probably out of luck. I mean, the chances are astronomically high that you, Jane or Joe Aspiring Musician, will make it to the top 10 list. And as we all know, there are ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER FULFILLING OR REWARDING POSITIONS IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY.
So just take an insurance internship already. It’s your only other option! Two paths diverged in a yellow wood, and those were the two options. Take the one more travelled by, for once! Surprised you never thought of that, smarty!
To quote NewsRadio’s advice for students: “Aim low, fit in, and never ever follow your heart.” Only when they said it, it was a joke.
Speaking from experience, I’ll always and forever be haunted by the decision I made in college. I joined a band instead of taking an internship, and we only rose to have a top 11 song. I would shoot myself, but my insurance policy doesn’t pay out to my next of kin for self initiated deaths! Should’ve interned at an insurance company.
They take care of that afterwards! Not like my son, who is pooping on my door as we speak…
Hey, hey, let’s not forget – this is a “Top Ten Internship” we’re talking about here. Those rarely seen at these latutudes prior to the spring equenox. Such so, that I’ve (literally) never heard of one before.
The Experience feat. The Silmarillion